During the preparation for takeoff on the plane, the cabin crew presents the flight safety instructions. One of the instructions, in a case of emergency, is to “Secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others”. Why is this important for ensuring survival? The answer is simple. If you run out of oxygen yourself and lose consciousness, you won’t be able to help anyone else with their oxygen mask.
How is this instruction applied to parenting? If you get your physical, mental, and emotional situation right, you will be able to help your child. The message might be clear, but the implementation might be impossible. Because it is very difficult and might be irrational to believe that in “emergency situations” with your children you have everything right. What is feasible and important is to be aware of your current state. Understand yourself well enough to be aware of influences around you or triggers that cause you to experience strong emotions and feelings. Let’s see the following example:
You are at the supermarket with your 4-year-old child for your weekly grocery shopping. At one moment, your child wants to buy a toy, and for whatever reason, you cannot at that moment satisfy his demand. Then your child starts crying, shouting, and does not cooperate at all with you.
There can be several factors that can spark an intense reaction from you. Maybe you had a difficult time at work that day and your boss had an outburst at you and the last thing that you want is a second round with your child. Or you are in a hurry, and you have time only for shopping and not time to deal with your child’s demand. Or this situation makes you feel embarrassed because some strangers are looking at you and your child and shame is an unbearable feeling for you. Or … (the list can go on).
One or more of the above states could be referring to you, but are you aware of them at that specific moment when your child has this outburst?
What I want to point out is that if you are not conscious of your mental, physical, or emotional state at that specific moment, you may overreact to the situation. On the contrary, if you are aware of your state, for sure, your reaction will be totally different and possibly helpful toward your child.
It is critical to try to understand yourself and become aware of your influences and triggers, as well as how all of this affects your role as a parent. It could be from the past, such as memories, past relationships, or influences that are around you right now. It could be triggered by a particular situation, a specific tone of voice, a comment you receive, a thought you have, or a strong belief system.
Maybe at that specific moment, you will not be able to think calmly and clearly. However, you can later question and try to be honest with yourself: “Did my reaction to my child have more to do with me, my needs, fears, and upbringings, or was it actually in my child’s best interest?”
Parenting is tough! Every parent makes mistakes, but it is essential to reflect on those mistakes, behaviors, and feelings, not just those of our children.