Many of us think that the birth of a mother coincides with the birth of a child. You may rather think of it as a gradual process that begins during pregnancy (sometimes even earlier) and continues several months after the baby is born.
This nine-month period is essential for the proper development of the fetus and simultaneously for the psychological and physical preparation of the woman as a mother. As the pregnancy progresses, the woman’s body changes to ensure the fetus’s physical formation. At the same time, the woman’s mind changes, focusing on the idea of becoming a mother.
Whether conscious or unconscious, the woman constructs fantasies, hopes, and fears regarding her baby and herself as a mother.
The woman starts to fantasize about the ideal mother-to-be by accepting suitable behaviors and rejecting others that she considers inappropriate. She re-evaluates her life, her ideas, and her beliefs in accordance with her new role, as her primary thoughts and actions are focused on her baby. The transition to motherhood is a process that influences a woman in relation to herself, her close environment (partner, family, friends, work), and the world.
At the same time, as the fetus grows inside the womb, the woman fantasizes about the ideal baby, as her wish is to create “the perfect child”. These positive feelings blend with fears “that something might go wrong”. As the pregnancy progresses, the woman progressively perceives the fetus as separate and real. This is due to the ultrasound images of the fetus during medical examinations and the activity of the fetus, which increases in intensity and with specific patterns. Based on the fetus’s activities, she develops expectations for the temperament and personality of her baby.
After the birth of the baby, the mother meets her real baby and deals with the fulfillment of her fantasies. She is building a new relationship that merges her wishes and needs with those of her real baby.
The physical reality of pregnancy greatly contributes to the woman’s mental preparation for motherhood, though it is not indispensable. Women who adopt, also, develop the motherhood mindset without undergoing the bodily changes of pregnancy. It needs more work on their part and more time, as adoption is a time-consuming process. Nevertheless, these women also construct in their minds the baby they wish to have and themselves as the mother they want to be.
Becoming a mother, regardless of the way, is a period of mixed emotions. After the birth of their baby, women might feel sad and happy concurrently: “happy about having a child and sad over what has been left behind”. Daniel Stern, a psychiatrist who dedicated his work to the mother-infant relationship, mentioned that during this period, the woman experiences a profound loss of not being someone’s daughter and at the same time a wonderful gain of having a baby.
Studies show that this new sense of self as a mother could cause women feelings of isolation, loneliness, and exhaustion, rather than feelings of nurturing and support. The sensation of loss may also come from motherhood’s disappointing reality, which contrasts with the cultural ideal of motherhood as a joyous experience and a source of fulfillment.
Sadly, during this transition, mothers are influenced by cultural notions of motherhood. The socially created idea of motherhood as a significant aspect of femininity, which should be a natural, innate, and joyful process, is directly tied to the feelings of inadequacy that some mothers have or the difficulty adjusting to their new reality. There is a growing internal struggle as a result of the discrepancy between the myth and the reality of motherhood.
Apart from the “conspiracy of silence” surrounding motherhood, the experience of motherhood cannot be conceived as either positive or negative. It is both good & bad and the woman is confused by this duality!
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Darvill, R., Research Fellow, BA, Skirton, H., Deputy Head, PhD, RGN, Qualified Midwife, RGC, & Farrand, P., Senior Lecturer, BA(Hons), PG Cert, PhD, AFBPsS, CPsychol. (2010). Psychological factors that impact on women’s experiences of first-time motherhood: A qualitative study of the transition. Midwifery, 26(3), 357-366. doi:10.1016/j.midw.2008.07.006
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Miller, T. (2005). Making sense of motherhood: A narrative approach. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press. (2005)
Stern, D. N., & Bruschweiler-Stern, N. (1998). The birth of a mother: How the motherhood experience changes you forever. New York: BasicBooks.